This will be, as suggested by Anthony, a stream of consciousness style post. Now, As I do plan to be drinking for this, that may result in some... interesting diction. Really, that's the point, right? I start sober.
Let us begin!
And a shot of Kraken!
I remember seeing this in the theaters. My first midnight movie. While already a die-hard SW fan (as much as a 12 year old can be), I do recall going into this pretty skeptical. (Oh, holy shit, surround sound is fucking awesome) The original teaser was amazing and did a great job of setting up my expectations, but this was also at in the the early years of internet rumors/spoilers/etc, so I had heard... thing.
Opening scroll is alright. Nothing spectacular.
Qui-Gon is pretty cool, but the Neimodians really are horrendous. Racist AND pointless.
Man, Jedi cloaks kick ass.
Did they really need a droid that looks just like 3PO right off?
They waste no time in getting to the lightsabers. As a kid, this was awesome. I mean, the more sabers the better. But now? Some thing should be rare to psyche you up.
How the HELL did anyone not realize Sidious was Palpatine? Waste of screentime by trying to make that a mystery.
"Roger roger" Blow me.
CG is showing its age a bit. The digital softening done to the Blu-Rays doesn't help.
Ugh, "Jedi Hyper Speed" is so absurd. Don't introduce superpowers that the characters seem to forget later!
McGreggor and Neeson do kick ass. Excellent choices who would have lived up to the Star Wars name under different direction.
(This is good pizza. Check out Luigi's in midtown Sacramento. Good concert venue as well)
As time passes, it becomes more obvious when it's Portman and when it's Knightley.
Droids riding speeder bikes (STAPPS). Why? Why not just flying attack droids?
Aaaaand Jar Jar. Yea. Though, actually decent CGI. Leading the way to Gollum.
Lightsabers look better here than in AOTC and ROTS. Likely due to shooting on film.
Question: would Jar Jar be as bad in his native language?
I always got using mind-tricks on mad guys... but Qui-Gon just throws that shit around,doesn't he? Don't get me wrong, I like the idea of a less-ethical Jedi, but they don't really play it that way.
Don't ever go fishing on Naboo.
Did they intend for Jar Jar to be so unintelligible? I do not have a damned clue what he's trying to say.
Who elects a 14 year old Queen? Sure, she's hot (I can still say that, right? I was 12 when this came out...), but that implies some pretty lousy competition.
This is not a good film... but John Williams knocks it out of the park nonetheless. The best soundtrack of the prequels, no question.
It IS lovely, Jar Jar. Theed is pretty badass.
(Note, I will try to avoid saying the same things as REDLETTERMEDIA, though I do agree with almost all of it.)
The handmaiden robes are really pretty. Would be cool bridesmaide's colors. Don't tell Jessi I said that.
Kiera Knightley delivers her lines better than Natalie. Always stick with the Brits.
Where did the pilots go? I think their queen could have used some fucking escort. Assholes.
Still love that Ric Olie (pilot of the queen's ship) only speaks in exposition. Everything he says is obvious and is what is literally already happening.
I actually like R2's introduction. Heroic and fun. Not smart, sure, but I always root for R2.
Don't get me started on Darth Maul (until I've had a few more drinks... SHOT!)
It is still a dream of mine to caption everything R2 says. I imagine him as a really sarcastic son of a bitch.
Why is the queen cleaning a droid?
Okay, what is a "disturbance in the Force"? Maul? Anakin? Or maybe it's more like Spidey-Sense?
Poop joke. Even 12 year-old me went, "Come the fuck on!"
I like Watto. Yeah, I said it.
I don't like young Anakin. Yeah, me and everyone else who saw this movie said it.
Jedi Mind Trick: okay. Taking the hyperdrive by force: not okay. Great logic, Qui-Gon.
Yipee. Yi. Pee. Take that in. Really set it soak in.
Obi-Wan's lightsaber is really cool.
Why did they think that it was a good idea to call young Anakin, future Darth-fucking-Vader, Ani?
It is stupid that Anakin built 3PO. Why does a slave need a protocol droid?
More proof that R2's lines are awesome. Mocking 3PO right off. Love that little guy.
Maul gets lines! Wouldn't it have made more sense for him to... no. No. Not yet. SHOT!
Laser sword. Stay out of the movie, George!
Taking the hyperdrive by force is wrong. Betting a child's life? Totally fair game.
This could have been a short sequence. Arrive on Tatooine, find a child really strong in the Force, save his life during a battle in which is mother dies, take him with you. Done. No idiotic betting. No "virgin birth". No goddamn podracing.
Children. Gross.
For having such a high Midiclorian count, Anakin never really does anything awesome, does he? Through AOTC and ROTS, he's just a cocky bitch with no powers above those of any other Jedi.
Watto doesn't know Gui-Gon's a Jedi? Okay, maybe I don't like him so much.
The N64 Podracing game was really fun. It managed to capture the excitement of such an event far better than this movie did.
Why is there a random bolt sticking off the side of Anakin's pod that, when moved slightly, completely shuts the vehicle down?
CG Jabba never looks good. The rubbery, slimy nature of the ROTJ puppet lends itself far better for his character.
The podrace certainly sounds quite amazing.
Anakin's pod is so fast that he can catch up after stalling for almost a minute. He should really win by a massive margin.
I enjoyed this sequence in my youth, but now it is pretty clear that it is overly long and almost completely devoid of tension. There is never any question that Anakin will win because they have already set up that he HAS to.
Wait. The piece Subulba moved made Anakin's pod not work at the beginning. Somehow, Anakin got it to work anyhow. Two laps later, it causes him more issues. What the fuck does this little piece do!?
His pod is only fast enough to always catch up to, but never pass, Subulba.
JUST TAKE BOTH OF THEM QUI-GON! Jesus, what a cunt. I'm surprised how mad this is making me. It would have made more sense for his ultimate turn to have come from him blaming the Jedi for being selfish and letting his mother die. Good job George, you've made the Jedi into assholes. I know when I was a kid, I pretended I was a Jedi in the woods who ignored the plight of innocent slaves.
Why is it that Darth Maul just... no. No. Almost there. SHOT!
Could have been a nasty scene if the droids had found the Gungan city and destroyed it.
Jar Jar's feet make no sense for an aquatic lifeform. Fat and thick does not lend itself to swimming.
When, Anakin? When did you make that necklace?
Coruscant is fucking awesome. "The entire planet is one big city." I like that idea a lot.
I like that the blue Republic guards are an early version of the red Imperial Royal Guards from ROTJ. Good art direction.
Did Jar Jar just call the Queen hot?
The whole plot of Palpatine becoming Supreme Chancellor could have made more sense if he'd been a legendary general a la Julius Caesar.
Whoa, CG Yoda. Uh... well, I guess that makes more sense. Though, Yaddle should have been CG too.
I always forget that McNulty was a guard in this.
Heh, Trade Federation have pope hats.
Anyone can just call into question the leader and have him voted out of office. Man, that would make the US government far more interesting.
I fucking LOVE that ET's race is in the senate.
This is an awkward test for entering Jedi training. Anakin was never really given a chance.
Obviously it was Palpatine's plan to become Chancellor... but how? What did he do to make this happen? A shit load of Jedi... err, Sith-Mind-Tricks? He didn't need some absurd "trade dispute" to make that happen. Though, I guess we wouldn't have gotten George's analogy for modern US politics...
Riiiiiiight, send the kid back to Naboo with the guy who doesn't agree with the Council's wishes. FUCK this movie is stupid.
Technical note: this film does not translate to digital 1080p as well as I'd hoped. It as shot on film only a decade ago, so scanning and cleaning it should have been easy. Instead, it's waxy and strange soft.
What is going on with Obi's hair in this scene? I know it was a pickup shot, but how do you fuck up a wig that badly?
Naboo forests are actually nicely different from Endor. Mistier and denser. A little touch that I enjoy.
This is the kind of time when it makes little sense for the Queen to be in disguise.
I like the nod that Qui-Gon and Obi knew it was her the whole time, but nonetheless, the whole ruse is confusing and unnecessary.
Okay, let's do this. Darth Maul should have survived for all three of the prequels. He is believably badass. Give him some character and he could have provided a nice arc. He can still kill Qui-Gon and lose to Obi without dying. Then, by the time ROTS comes around, he could have a re-match with Obi where he whoops his ass and Anakin has to step in and show just how fucking awesome he has become. He was instantly popular with kids during the promotions for this movie. Seriously, look at the guy. He looks like a savage and has a goddamn lightsaber STAFF. George did all the work necessary to set up an imposing and legendary villain with this guy, and then just squandered it. I know Ray Park isn't much of a thespian, but that doesn't stop the idea from being sound. I cannot stop imagining how incredible an Anakin vs. Maul duel would have been. You may now be asking, in my imaginary ROTS, if Obi loses to Maul and then Anakin defeats him, how is it that Obi could beat Anakin in the climatic duel? Well come on people, that's easy. However, I'll be dicussing that in a few hours with ROTS. Admittedly, I may not be terribly sober. Time shall tell.
I absolutely LOVE the design of the Naboo Starfighter. It is sleek, bright, and completely unlike anything we saw in the OT. It fits in with the opulent Naboo society as set up by this movie and really pops against a black starfield. Also, holy shit the toy was awesome.
Eww, Gungan fight. The only cool thing to come out of this battle was the energy shield. Imagine a Jedi gladiator battle with a saber and shield like that. I plan to film something like that some day.
Double. Sided. Lightsaber. So fucking cool.
FUCK YOU ANAKIN.
Duel of the fates is genius. Should have been recalled in a more proper fashion for the ROTS fight.
Obi's weird fake/groan always upsets me.
Somewhere between 1983 and 1999, George forgot how to film a space battle. ROTJ is so brilliant that I don't understand how NONE of the prequels features a decent battle. The Obi/Jange chase is pretty cool, but it's a chase, not a battle.
Where is your mother fucking goddamn Jedi super speed now, Obi-Wan!?!?!? Huh!? COME ON!!!!
This Gungan battle does not hold up. The CG is very glossy and unreal. I'd say it was a shame, but considering the rest of the film... eh.
I do like that shot of the droid tank cutting into the ground.
This space battle especially bums me out because I really like the designs of the ships.
RUN FASTER OBI-WAN!
It occurs to me, shouldn't Qui-Gon TRY to talk to this guy? It doesn't come off as strange that these people are just trying to kill one another without questioning the situation at all?
Why are there guns in the throne? Paranoid people much?
I really do like the Obi/Maul fight... except that only Maul thinks to use the Force.
I can't even think of what to say about Anakin destroying the ship. My rage doesn't have any appropriate analog in the English language.
Obi should have kept Qui-Gon's saber for AOTC. Too much blue.
"We will watch your career with great interest." Yeah... fine, that's a good line.
You can train someone without the Council's permission? What a jacked system.
Burning Qui-Gone would smell AWFUL.
OH MY GOD IT'S PALPATINE. PEOPLE ARE SO STUPID.
I like this victory song. Not so much in this movie, but it's catchy.
CG sticks out a little too much here.
Okay... time to sober up a bit for AOTC. 'Cause that one is going to get me hammered.
PEACE!
No comments:
Post a Comment